During a marriage counselling session, the husband and wife were sitting in front of me. There were many points raised by both the partners against each other as the reasons for marital discord and being unhappy living together. Suddenly the husband raised the issue of infidelity. According to him the wife is still dating the man she loved before marriage, though he is a married man now. Of course, the wife vehemently denied the allegation saying that they are doing a business activity together as partners only and they are not having any affair. Whatever were the details of the case, a few questions repeatedly hammered my mind – Do married women have extra marital affair? If so, then what are the reasons? Why Married Women Cheat and have Extra Marital Affair ?
Marriage problems are not uncommon
Almost every married person has faced marriage problems one time or the other. It would not be an exaggeration to say that there is no marriage without marriage problems even if the partners truly love each other. The reasons of marriage problems could be any and many. Therefore, the timings, nature, frequency and intensity of marital discords would also vary from couple to couple.
However, the family members and well wishers would certainly not expect the wife cheating on her husband and having an extramarital affair.
Do Married Women Cheat?
It would be incorrect and insulting to married women if the answer were a simple Yes. It needs to be qualified. Let us put it this way that there are some married women who do have extra marital affairs or extramarital relationships.
It may not be possible to quote statistics from some authentic research or survey on extra marital affairs involving married women as it would depend from place to place and time to time. But it is safe to presume that the percentage of cases where married women are cheating on their spouse is increasing and the absolute numbers are also alarming. It would be safe to say the percentage of infidelity cases has already crossed the double digit. The analysis of same estimates may also show that younger to middle aged people are more likely to have an affair than older married persons.
Why Married Women Cheat and have Extra Marital Affair
Just as reasons why married men fall in love with other woman, it was found that the reasons married women have affairs are not very different. Also please see: Reasons Why Married Men Fall in Love with Other Woman
Below are a few of the most common reasons found.
1. In love with someone before marriage
It is as simple as that. Perhaps the woman was already in love with someone before marriage and could not marry him for whatever reasons or circumstances. After marriage the lady failed to form a compatible relationship with her husband. If looked deeper, the reasons could be that the husband did not give enough care, love and attention to his wife which made her long for pre-marriage relationship. Hence this led to infidelity.
Also it is quite possible that despite having a good husband and family of in-laws the now married woman could not forget her first love. See: How to forget an Ex you still love
Depending on individual perception, this could be an insignificant reason because “love” is so difficult to define. Also equally important are responsibility, commitment and stability. While to some others, getting satisfactory sexual and emotional intimacy may seem to be more important than remaining faithful in marriage.
2. Falling in love with someone else
This is quite similar to previous one, except that the timings of forming a relationship with another man is post marriage. One of the many causes could be that the lady has fallen out of love with her partner and has got strongly attracted to someone new. Also like the previous case, the absence of the husband or not giving enough love and attention could be the motivating factor.
Short Video: Why Married Women Cheat and have Extra Marital Affair
3. To seek revenge
In a relationship or a marriage, where the husband is already having an affair the wife thinks it is appropriate to teach husband by having an affair herself. The other combination could be where the relationship is suffering due to the bad attitude or physical violence by the husband. The hurt partner is now significantly encouraged to find something from outside of the marriage which has been denied to her.
Whatever may be the explanation given by the married lady, her real motivation is to seek revenge. Currently this is the most common cause being quoted of Marriage Problems.
4. Variety is the spice of life
When it comes to falling for physical attraction and wanting to have sex, women are no different from men. Sometimes women married for couple of years to the same person have a stronger craving and they go in for a bit of a change in their routine. Here the women are strongly attached to the physical level and for them sex has become routine and predictable.
If she gets a chance, she does not mind having an adventure – to begin with discreetly. But later if she enjoys it then this could be in the form of a casual affair or a solid committed relationship.
Imagine a situation where the husband and wife are living in two separate towns because of career reasons. The wife, therefore, bears more than usual share of responsibilities on her shoulders. Day after day, it is the same mundane routine – get up early, prepare breakfast, drop kids to the school, rush to the office, face the rough and tough world, return home tired and there is no one to talk to and give the emotional support. Also please refer to: How to Support your Spouse Emotionally
Then one day, a smart man walks into her life through the backdoor of emotions. It starts with having coffee together and exchange of sweet text and picture messages on Whatsapp but then it goes much beyond in no time. It is one of the major reasons why some married women cheat on their husband or partner.
6. Adultery is no more a shame
Adultery is as old as the mankind and infidelity is as modern as the latest mobile phone model. Unlike the more careful and self restrained women of yester years, the women are not bothered about their neither image nor are they concerned what others think about their cheating. They know very well that an extra marital affair or more is not going to get them a social boycott or disgrace in the society. They confidently do what pleases their senses and is OK with their morality, even if it is called infidelity.
Society may denounce it morally — but people overlook it, time and again. We condemn it ethically — but often quietly forgive it to be practical.
“Infidelity is the ultimate crime in a marriage,” says Whitman private investigator. And yet there are stories and gossips everywhere proving that the shame of stepping out has faded. Public figures, famous professionals and celebrities bounce back unscathed.
“Life is short. Let us have an affair” seems to going well with everyone who gets a chance. Nobody would like to miss a chance to have an extra marital affair.
7. Desire for emotional support and intimacy
Right or wrong, women having an extra marital affair say that they do it for the emotional connection. They want to bond with someone who is listening, caring and supportive at the emotional level.
Gone are the days when the infidelity carried a big social stigma. What is left now is only a mention about it for gossip purposes. It is quite acceptable now. Over the years, there have been huge societal shifts which have accepted women going out, working, and having friendships across gender lines at the workplace. The married woman spends more number of waking hours in the company of male colleagues in the office than with her husband. Under these circumstances, if she happens to find someone better than her husband then it is bound to develop further into an extra marital affair.
8. Lust or Physical Desire
All humans have desires and needs and married women having physical needs are no exception. Secondly a woman for one or the other reason may not be completely happy with her partner. So if a woman happens to meet a man who has one or more of the qualities of being smart, great conversationalist, rich, successful then the probability is high that the woman will be lusting for him. The bonding will happen fast if the man too has a roving eye and knows how to pay the lady right compliments and strike the right cord.
Once again, this may have nothing to do with love between the husband and wife.
9. To Show off
Some women have a complex and they want to prove to the world by showing off that they are hot or very modern or their company is very much sought after. Even if she has a good, caring and loving husband but the lady is out to show that there are men everywhere who are attracted to her.
10. To enjoy free help
Good society manners suggest that men should offer women seat; open car door for them; offer their hand when the lady is taking a flight of stairs, offer help to take the heavy bags from them and so on. But some women take it too far. They think men can be ‘used’ for many sundry purposes starting from driving them to point A to point B; running errands for them; give them a company for grocery shopping; taking them out for dinner or lunch and in return they don’t mind having an affair.
The boyfriend may not be very handsome or ideal for the long term but he is great for a good company for afternoon grocery shopping or a visit to the hair stylist. It starts with the thought, “I need someone to be around me all the time.”
It is a matter of simple give and take and the women think that they have nothing to lose, rather they gain from this kind of relationship.
11. Fostering a desire for Attention and Flattery
All women need attention but some women need it all the time and more than others. So if there is a man who is giving “the attention seeking woman” some extra attention and whispers into her ears some sweet words of flattery the affair is bound to happen, especially if the married woman does not mind having an affair.
All a smart man has to do is to spot such a woman, care about her feelings and show his concern by asking her, “Did you eat properly? Was the food to your liking? Are you OK?”
It is usual that after marriage, men tend to get busier with their careers and as husbands take their wives for granted. They don’t say “I love you” that often now. It was the same man who was much more caring and concerned for her as a boyfriend. Now if another man takes responsibility of looking after her, he is likely to have her heart.
12. A need to feel sought after
As the marriage gets older, the mutual attraction begins to fade away. The love birds become two wheels of a cart called the family. The romantic emotions, physical attachment and love etc. are replaced by a mechanical life full of roles and responsibilities for both the partners. In their middle ages, many women tend to feel unwanted and not praised by husband and kids. Enter a colleague or a neighbor in the lady’s life who showers her with compliments and affection. It suddenly feels like oasis in the desert, especially for the sensitive women who are starved for praise, compliments but get indifferent and bored looks from kids and husband.
Many women don’t mind exploring adult dating websites and with it come scores of men who find them attractive and sexually desirable. Through discreet extramarital affairs with new partners women are able to revive and re-live their past when they were found to be charming, beautiful and sexy.
13. Pressure of own or husband’s career prospects
This is the case where the woman will go to any extent to move up and move fast in her career. She is willing to give favors in return for fast promotion, plum postings, fat pay check or a powerful position in the organisation. Sometimes the lady may be doing it for her husband willingly or coerced by her husband. Either way, the married woman is having an extra marital affair with the boss but let the readers decide if she is cheating.
14. Influence of the company
Sarah who was born and brought up in a small town, moved to a metropolis city after marriage. Her husband was in sales and would normally travel for 3 days in a week. Rest of the days he would work till late in the office. To get herself some company, Sarah made some friends in the neighborhood. As the acquaintance developed into friendship, her friends would invite her to parties. She found that these ladies were quite liberal and modern in some ways. Each one had many male friends and their level of intimacy was quite high.
Then one day Sarah met Mike – a tall, handsome, gym chiseled body and Sarah could not resist. Now once every fortnight, Sarah and Mike meet privately outside. They chose the day when Sarah’s husband is travelling.
‘We have good time together and after spending the night together, we go back to our families,’ tells Sarah. She is not looking for a soul mate nor is she planning to divorce her husband. She is only looking for physical release. She terms her relationship and affair with Mike ‘Mind-blowing.’
15. Money and Establishing Safety Net
Wendy and her husband Andrew are married for good 15 years now. They have lived in good houses, enjoyed many vacations and had been having a great life style. Time just flew by. With the change in the economic scenario and rapid advancement in technology, Andrew is not very employable now. He has been without job 3 times in the last 2 years. This meant cut in their budget as well as putting up with somewhat irritable nature of Andrew. It was around this time when Wendy bumped into her college time class mate Brian. Wendy was amazed to see Brian still so witty and full of life. Also he is so successful in his business career. Brian also found Wendy so charming, so well maintained, chirpy and full of life. It did not take long for them to develop a relationship. This relationship was a matter of mutual convenience and provided for the needs of both. Wendy found a rich man who would take her out for classy dinners, shower her with expensive gifts and pay attention to her blabbering. While Brian got the company of a lady who was much smarter, beautiful and sexy than his wife who was overweight, nagging and moody.
16. A need to feel wanted
This usually happens in the case of ladies who have a short career such as modelling, acting etc. When rising up or at the peak, everyone is around them and their beck and call. People are there to tolerate their tantrums. But such ladies are given cold shoulder the moment there is someone else more popular or hotter. Psychologically it is an unbearable mental torture and very painful. At this time some of the ladies don’t mind going in for extramarital affair with a much younger male who is a new comer and struggler who wants to establish himself in the industry. So hoping for some recommendations, the young man don’t mind giving their ‘services’ in return.
To sum up : Why Married Women Cheat?
Top reasons most frequently quoted for female infidelity and having extra marital affair include:
- In love with someone before marriage
- Falling in love with someone else
- To seek revenge.
- Variety is the spice of life
- No fear of public opinion or criticism
- Desire for emotional support and intimacy
This pertinently explains why married women get enchanted by other men outside of their marriage. Not only they have an extra marital affair but feel strongly pulled towards him. Apparently there are gains by both the cheating partners – at least till the relationship lasts. It is better in the interest of all and from a long term point of view that there is no cheating.
How to save a marriage – Ways to fix a marriage ?
Well the answers lie in the problem itself:
- Be committed and honest to your partner
- Respect the institution of marriage
- Find ways to keep the relationship fun and alive
- Respect the norms of society and be ethical
- If something has gone wrong, correct it by stopping yourself, communicate to your partner and
- Relationship Therapy – if need be take professional help like going in for couples therapy or couples counseling
You may like to refer to:
- Get Married Get Healthy! Is it true?
- How to Improve Your Relationship
- How to save Marriage and Avoid Divorce
Your feedback and views please
These reasons are just a few but important ones. You are free to add more reasons in the comments box below.
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