You are dating this person for quite some time now but won’t give a 10 on 10 on the quality of the relationship. Perhaps you would even hold back giving a 8 or 7 or even 6 ! Well then why you are sticking together? And what is so great about your relationship?
Hmm.. you begin to ponder for a while. The situation typically could be that on one hand you care about him and like being around him, but on the other hand, there are times when you really can’t tolerate him. This could be his presence or certain habits or remarks. This has made you seriously consider leaving him and moving on in life – may be with new and a better guy.
When this kind of a dichotomy exists in a relationship, there’s bound to be emotions and thoughts that swing from one side of the spectrum to the other. Like a pendulum you are on the top of the world and on other occasions you don’t want any more of this immediate effect.
Such relationships are full of emotional ups and downs. It does not matter whether one partner feels like this or both. Sometimes partners think that these ups and downs aren’t indicative of any relationship problem, but instead it is just normal.
Relevant article: When to End a Relationship?
Defining the love hate relationship
Wikipedia, defines a love–hate relationship as an interpersonal relationship involving simultaneous or alternating emotions of love and hate—something particularly common when emotions are intense.
Are you in a love hate relationship?
You are in a relationship with someone. Your experience with him is like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes you feel on the top of the world, envying yourself, fully satisfied, happy, contended and secure.
If you’re unsure of your relationship and how you really feel about it, here is some information and the signs that you love someone but sort of hate him at the same time. This cannot and should not be allowed to be continued like this for long and hence needs to be either fixed or you should move out.
Almost every human relationship has highs and lows which includes negatives such as ego clashes, disagreements and to a certain extent fights. But looked if looked at positively, these sparks fly to clear off misunderstandings, followed by a better understanding of each other along with a better respect for each other’s tastes and priorities. Therefore, to some extent it is a healthy conflict.
However a love hate relationship is a deteriorated version of a relationship between two partners where there are serious issues between two incompatible personalities leading to conflicts which are here to stay. While individually two of you may be lovely and charming personalities but together it is like petrol and fire.
Unlike the first kind of relationship, in a love hate relationship the anger and frustration is much more than the love, romance and happiness.
But before you rush to take a decision or even label your relationship as a love hate relationship, you need to get some more information and gather some facts for yourself.
What do you Love him for?
- He may be tall, handsome, drive a luxury car like Mercedes Benz or BMW and has many girls eyeing at him.
- He may be very well educated, witty and has a successful career. He has a clear focus on his goals and seems to be on the right path of success – having already achieved a few mile stones.
- He really enjoys life and dotes on you. He makes you laugh until you’re in tears. There are certain qualities and traits about him that you downright love and adore.
- Both of you had a great start of the relationship and quite a few months have been invested together into the relationship but now things aren’t exactly going well, you’ll be damned if you give up and walk away now. Therefore, you are still hopeful that things will once again become great and harmonious.
- Your parents have approved of him too and think that together both of you will have a great life.
So these are certain qualities and traits about him that you absolutely love and adore.
What do you hate him for?
While you love some parts of him or his personality, there are other parts of him that you hate so much that you are suffocated. You hate these things so much that you wonder that what made you fall in love with him at the first place. You may be thinking that there can be much better guys than him.
Again following could be some of the reasons, in some combination unique to you:
- Relationship, family and future planning on these aspects is his last priority.
- Hygienically, there is a lot which is desired of him and his habits. He often has streaks of laziness.
- Though his character is straight but some of his behavior / habits are dreadfully annoying to you.
- He spends way too much time on phone chatting people up or wastes too much time on Face book.
- His extravagant life style scares the hell out of you. The idea of an emergency hitting you like a bolt from you and he not having any savings is a wrong way of living the life. But he does not pay any heed to you.
- He can’t control his addictions to cigarette or alcohol.
- His mother is too interfering and annoying, your thoughts just don’t match. He always listens to his mother, no matter how wrong she could be.
Why the partner wants to remain in love hate relationship
It is a difficult question to answer because there can be many unique reasons.
- It may be akin to some kind of comfort one is deriving out of it despite the unpleasantness. Just like a person indulging in an addiction knowing very well that it is bad for health. May be one partner loves the other partner so much that he or she does not care if s/he is being abused in the relationship.
- The sum total of benefits of remaining in the relationship is far greater than breaking or ending the relationship.
- You are emotionally and or / financially not very strong or you do not feel secure in life without a support system.
- You could be very forgiving by nature or this is the value you have been brought up with.
Why have a love hate relationship ?
Reasons for Love Hate Relationship
There’s a reason for all that love and hate, even if you can’t see it. Anyone can go wrong in life and fall into a love hate relationship, however careful he or she may be. Even if you are a really nice person who is calm, composed and serene, it may only be a matter of time before you start yelling or getting angry.
Here are a few but most common reasons which cause a love hate feeling. Read and analyze them carefully to check if you can make it work.
1. The relationship doesn’t have a real goal
You’re in the relationship just for the heck of it. Maybe you think it is so fashionable or you are no longer comfortable with the status of being a single. So you just picked a guy.
You know very well that it wasn’t an intelligent choice and you are not committed to him from the bottom of your heart. Thus there is no future.
What can be done under these situations?
Of course, first and foremost everything possible should be tried to mend and repair the love hate relationship. But the solutions should be practical and possible. Secondly, it can never be one sided and both the parties should be willing to try it sincerely.
1. Be emotionally reasonable and stable
Emotions make us unique. Thus emotions in any relationship are extremely important, but when it comes to this relationship, the emotions are more intense. During the “I love you” days, you two are like love birds and seem to be inseparable. While on the other days, you argue and fight with each other like crazy, yelling, screaming, and let out extreme animal energy.
There is a need to crate emotional middle ground.
2. Check if the feelings are mutual or one sided
It is quite possible that it’s just you who has these love-hate feelings towards your partner. Before deciding to take a final step, talk to your partner or spouse and get an idea of how he feels. May be he is not suffering from any emotional dichotomy. This should give you a different perspective to the whole thing and might make you determined to fix it and make the relationship or marriage work.
If after a sincere attempt, there is no improvement in sight nor it is expected then let the inevitable happen.
3. Do not stop the communication
After accepting the fact that there are some problems between two of you and yet some truly good feelings that exist between the two of you, now is the time to sit down together and talk things through and thoroughly. May be what is a big irritant for you, is a minor self control exercise for your partner and he is willing to do it for you. Hence things be fixed and improved around so that you don’t have such hate-filled feelings for him.
Also reciprocate by thinking if there anything you can change at your end? May be this would make the relationship more sweet and there may not be any major issue left.
But this is possible when you don’t take the things to the level of not talking to each other at all and close all doors of communication.
4. Determine if you’re willing to work on things
If you know deep down that you are a good match together, you love each other and there is no such problem which can’t be sorted out then all you need is a combined determination to make your relationship or marriage work.
To come out of the love-hate relationship, both of you will have to be willing and ready to put forth the energy and time needed to have a harmonious relationship. Sometimes the solution could be as simple as that you need to be more with each other. That’s all!
5. Change certain things about you
There could be just a possibility that because certain things in your life are not to your liking, you are letting your relationship pay the price. For example, you are not happy in your job, you have to commute a long distance, work long hours, tolerate a bad boss and yet achieve difficult targets month after month. So why let your marriage or relationship suffer, why not change your job instead. Suppose even if you have to compromise on salary but if you are happy then it is a small price to be paid for a much more precious thing in life – a happy relationship or a harmonious married life.
6. Change your house
To some this may sound weird! This advice may appeal to those who know about energy work and believe in it. May be the vibrations of the place where you live are not conducive to a good relationship – rather the energies are negative and instigate an abusive relationship.
If possible, change the house and shift to a new neighborhood. The best way to find a positive energy house is to be in the property shown by the realtor, feel the vibrations, see if there are happy people moving about around the house, talk to the neighbors, check about the person / family who last stayed in the house. If the report is positive then moving in may change your luck too. But it is a purely personal point of view.
7. Talk to someone unbiased and professionally trained
When you are determined to sort out the relationship problems, it is always helpful to seek the help to a professional and take relationship advice. A marriage counselor or a relationship advisor or therapist is trained to listen and understand the issue without mixing their personal views into it. This is better that talking to your friend or siblings or just about anybody as they are neither professionally trained nor they are guaranteed to be neutral.
Getting an outside opinion – that of a marriage counselor or a relationship advisor and learning of ways that may help solve the love-hate problem can really take a relationship pretty far.
8. Disconnect and Reconnect
It is cleaning the state and starting afresh. Sometimes you have to reboot your computer to make it function properly. Being together for sometime tends to make the partners take each other for granted; partners’ sacrifices, good habits are not appreciated as it is a regular feature – like air, water and sunshine provided by nature.
It is only when you stay separately (of course, it should be planned) and see if the quality of life is better or worse and then reconnect. If you appreciated each other’s qualities when the partner was away then you should now reconnect on a deeper level. Celebrate by going out on dates. Court each other and by all means flirt often. Make it seem like your relationship is just now starting.
9. Express your love
Why not communicate to your partner that you appreciate what he does for you and for the relationship. May be “I love you” has become too monotonous and has lost all its power because of over you. Find other ways to express and communicating your appreciate and love to your partner. A sensible touch can express what a thousand words can’t do.
For all you know, this may be the key which will open the door to the heaven of happiness for both of you.
If you are interested to explore further, then you may refer to: How to Improve Your Relationship
If after a sincere attempt, there is no improvement in sight nor it is expected then let the inevitable happen.
Other articles recommended for you
- Affirmations for Love and Relationships
- What qualities do men look for while choosing their future wife
- Valid Reasons to Get Married
- How to forget an Ex you still love
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