We have been married for the last so many years. We were having a great time and then all of a sudden I discovered my wife won’t like to talk to me! I am no more part of her inner world! I want to know the reasons my wife won’t talk to me? What should I do now?
As a counselor, friend and a member of a large extended family, I hear such questions all the time from the men in my network.
Different Shades Of The Problem
Sometimes the expressions are different, like:
“She spends plenty of time with the kids but won’t talk to me, how can I help her to reconnect with me?”
“My wife wants to be alone and does not connect with me. What can I do about it?”
After a certain stage or a time period, these are not uncommon issues. This indicates that the relationship is under pressure. Maybe there’s a tension or uncertainty about handling some challenges in life that have crept in triggering such a behavior.
Suddenly those negative thoughts that strike fear into your heart and make your brain work time. These could be thoughts like:
My wife is having an affair with another man.
Is she planning to leave me and kids?
Why is she upset with me?
She doesn’t find me attractive anymore?
Is there someone else in her life now?
Does she not love me anymore?
What if this means this relationship will end?
How would this affect our kids?
What will my friends and family think?
What if I can’t save this relationship?
It’s quite normal for husbands to think of everything negative we’ve seen around us and try to relate our situation to this.
But we have to understand that neither people nor relationships don’t work like that. Reasons my wife won’t talk to me can be many and may point at one specific issue of the other.
We’re far more complex. A large part of our complexity comes from our emotions. Something we as husbands have trouble identifying and talking about.
What we men need is the right frame of mind, application of right emotional and behavioral tools with the right focus and good intention to fix the problem and implement the solution.
Reasons My Wife Won’t Talk To Me
When your partner is down to minimum communication, understanding your present circumstances, your state of mind and her emotions is KEY to opening up some space and releasing tensions.
Through a psychologist’s perspective, when someone is shut down in a relationship, it means he or she is dealing with thoughts and emotions that are causing intense stress to their body and mind.
Why my wife shows no interest in me ?
Here are some of the specific, primary causes of emotional distance between partners:
Unforgiving Nature Of Wife
Emotional abandonment of the partner is your wife’s way of telling you that she is not willing to forgive. Closing off our heart from the significant other may come as a natural way to do this, but this has detrimental consequences. As a result it leads to isolation.
She may feel that her spouse has hurt her and refuses to forgive him. Seeking reprieve from unforgiveness requires a willingness to humble ourselves and seek forgiveness. On the part of the wife, she should be willing to graciously forgive when the husband admits his mistake.
This step indicates a desire to reunite on part of both.
For the future, look for ways to protect yourself from being hurt again.
Related reading: Healthy Relationship Tips For Couples
Uncaring Treatment In The Past
When one partner is careless about how he treats his spouse, it gets a backlash sooner or later. Whether it’s lack of courtesy, kindness, or something worse, it creates emotional wounds in the heart. Although it may start out small, they can grow into deeper wounds as they fester over time.
Therefore, each partner needs to look at their own behavior regularly and consider whether or not they are mistreating their spouse.
Interesting article: Tips to Newlyweds by Married People
The life partner, above all people, needs to be treated with respect, love and gentleness. Your spouse is a gift to you, and they deserve to be treated as someone special.
Taking The Relationship For Granted
Sometimes the problem is not that obvious or direct compared to unforgiveness or callous treatment.
Generally men tend to assume that after wooing, dating and pampering the lady is now their wife and they can stop their efforts. They assume that from here the relationship is going to be on ‘auto pilot’ and everything would go just fine.
Recommended: How To Make Your Marriage A Priority
The lack of efforts by the husband is understood by the wife that her worth in the eyes of her man is not what it used to be once.
This causes the relationship in marriage to slip down. The other person feels not important or rather abandoned.
This causes one person to withdraw into their own world.
Lack of Time For Each Other
Life is complex and there are so many demands on each individual. After a few years of marriage there are things like growing careers, kids, their schools, their soccer games, managing the house, parents needing more help and there is so much more.
In other words, each one of us packs too much into a day. As a result, we simply fail to make time for something which is truly important: things like romancing, talking about issues, sharing and supporting each other as two friends.
We are constantly busy, chasing our schedules.
Naturally a marriage relationship cannot be kept starved of quality time together. A good marriage needs to be nourished with face-to-face time, both talking, sharing and having fun.
You may also like to read about: 6 Tips On Making your Spouse A Priority
Emotional detachment does not just happen all of a sudden. There is always something building up and it is choked inside which has not been given a vent.
If one or both partners have an inhibition or fear of talking through the issues in their relationship, then this kind of shut out will be the likely result.
Usually both know there is something simmering inside, but they are hesitant to bring it up because of the fear of their spouse’s unfavorable reaction. Or perhaps they feel they’ve tried to bring up before and it did not help, so why bother?
In these cases, there is a clear need to sort the things out. Without resolving disturbing matters from time to time, the emotional distance will just continue to grow. A real courage to open up and deal with problems is the only solution.
Looking the other way
A lot of times, when things are going a bit sideways in the relationship, one or both the partners don’t want to admit that it’s happening. Often the person who can fix it or bring in some relief is most content to deny the existence of any real issues. Both the partners live in a kind of denial, as if nothing wrong is happening, or it’s not that bad, or things will get better in time.
But looking the other way doesn’t fix things; it only causes the marriage to deteriorate to the point where the couple just does not feel attached anymore.
Different Possible Ways to Respond When Your Wife Won’t Talk to You
By now you must have got a fairly good idea why your wife has blocked you out of her space and she won’t talk to you.
Here are a few simple, practical suggestions to rekindle your relationship. Depending on your peculiar set of circumstances, you may like to try out one of more of these.
She doesn’t like mention of other women
She is too sensitive and perhaps she doesn’t like to be compared to other women. Perhaps she can’t accept your praise of other women before her.
So carefully observe your wife’s body language when you talk about other women and praise them, even for things that are as innocent as, “Our neighbor is a caring mother.” The reason could be that your wife simply wants to be the best in your eyes and won’t tolerate even a remote competition.
Another reason could be that she does not get to hear much praise about her from you, so how can she tolerate another woman being praised by you?
So if you have female friends (probably not a good idea after marriage) or female colleagues, tread carefully.
She is loaded with responsibilities and wants you to help her out
With the passage of time the nature and magnitude of her responsibilities have been increasing steadily. She is at a stage now when she feels overwhelmed and likes when you take charge or at least reduce her burden.
Between taking care of the kids, cooking breakfast and dinner, and keeping the home together, besides managing her job or business, she has a lot on her plate.
Give her a break sometimes or better be her partner and not one more family member to take care of.
Notice that amazing smile on her face when you offer to make dinner or pick up groceries and vegetables from the market, even though you may have worked all day. These acts of support on a regular basis will provide her much needed relief and she will sincerely appreciate it.
Don’t wait for her to ask. Just do it.
Hear her through your heart and not ears alone
Probably your wife has been having real anxieties or fears which you have brushed aside as something trivial.
Instead of telling her not to bother, understand her fears, the reasons for her fears. Stand besides her and offer to help her. When she gets anxious about next month’s performance review meeting with her boss, don’t brush her off. Genuinely listen and seriously help her to prepare for the review meeting.
In other words, whatever be the issue – big or small in your eyes, take practical steps together to relieve the stress. She needs reassurance from her life partner and once she gets it from you, it calms her down and makes her feel taken care of.
At the foundation of a successful marriage is a long time commitment to be with each other. Follow above tips to avoid pitfalls for a happy marriage and you will not need any marriage counseling or relationship advice.
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