Funny Marriage Quotes

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 1

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
You know… There is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!!! – Bill Maher
Marriage is when a man loses his bachelor’s degree and woman gets her master’s degree.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit. – Billy Connolly
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner
Car Manufacturer’s formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model! – Unknown
Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway. – Joey Adams
The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him. – Oscar Wilde
In our marriage everything is 50/50. I cook, he eats. I wash, we wears. I shop, he pays!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

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Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 2

Love is one long sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock!
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. – Albert Einstein
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble. – Raymond Hull
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. – Ogden Nash
Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers. – Alan King
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell, it is simply purgatory. – Abraham Lincoln
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. – Rita Rudner
The only mistake for which people are congratulated is marriage.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 3

Son: Dad, is it true that marriage costs a lot? Father: I don’t know son, still paying…
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. And they are both disappointed.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. – Robert Frost
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. – Henry Louis Mencken
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G. K. Chesterton
Marriage – a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters written in prose. – Beverly Nichols
The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button. – Rick Reilly

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 4

How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own? – Zsa Zsa Gabor
My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. – Winston Churchill
Happy is the man who finds a true friend, and far happier is he who finds that true friend in his wife. – Franz Schubert
Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave. – Martin Luther
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. – Mignon McLaughlin
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. Winston Churchill
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. – Woody Allen
A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted – Helen Rowland
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven’t been able to find anybody who’ll take what I have to give. – Cass Daley
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. – Henny Youngman

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 5

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? – Groucho Marx
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open. – George Bernard Shaw
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you’ll meet that night. – Paul Hornung
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. – Katherine Hepburn
Matrimony is a process by which a grocer acquired an account the florist had. – Francis Rodman
Valentine’s Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is. – Author Unknown
Love is a flower which turns into fruit at marriage. – Finnish Proverb
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent. – Socrates
One should never know too precisely whom one has married. – Friedrich Nietzsche
My wife says I never listen to her. At least I think that’s what she said. – Author Unknown

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 6

Mother-in-law: a woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers. – Author Unknown
Wedding rings: the world’s smallest handcuffs. – Author Unknown
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl. – Stephen Leacock
The most dangerous food is wedding cake. – American Proverb
Never strike your wife – even with a flower. – Hindu Proverb
The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. – Peter Devries
Married life teaches one invaluable lesson: to think of things far enough ahead not to say them. – Jefferson Machamer
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katharine Hepburn
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married. – Robert Frost
A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers. – Ruth Bell Graham

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 7

When a man opens the car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.” – Henny Youngman
I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff. – Wendy Liebman
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.” – Anonymous
Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.- George Bernard Shaw
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late. – Max Kauffmann
I never knew how exciting dating could be until I got married.- Melanie White
A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. – Anonymous

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 8

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. – H.V. Prochnow
I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her own way. And second, let her have it. – Lyndon B. Johnson
A man’s wife has more power over him than the state has. – Ralph Waldo Emerson
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn’t. – Unknown
What’s for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer. – Mignon McLaughlin
Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. – Unknown
Women hope men will change after marriage but they don’t; men hope women won’t change but they do. – Bettina Arndt
Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you. – Helen Rowland
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. – Rodney Dangerfield

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 9

Behind every great man there is a surprised woman. – Maryon Pearson
They say love is blind…and marriage is an institution. Well, I’m not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. – Mae West
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t they’d be married too. – H.L. Mencken
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. – Rodney Dangerfield
No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single. – H.L. Mencken
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers. – Grace Hansen
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family. – Lawrence Housman
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women. – Marion Smith
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married? – Barbra Streisand

Funny Marriage Quotes Set # 10

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery. – Erma Bombeck
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. – Lewis Grizzard
There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran
I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid. – Dorothy Parker
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. – Helen Rowland
Alimony – The ransom that the happy pay to the devil. – H.L. Mencken
A husband’s last words should always be, OK buy it. – Unknown
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. – Jimmy Durante
One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. – Judith Viorst
My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I’d hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit. – Jerry Hall