So the inevitable has happened and there is a breakup of the relationship. It does not matter whether you were married and have not divorced or you were in a live in relationship and the break up has happened.
Why the break up hurts ?
If you have been attached and in love it is quite imperative that there will be mental pain, anguish and associated physical problems. As a result, you may find it extremely difficult to come out of the negative feelings such as depression or missing your love or the guilt or the hate.
Various types of negative feelings
The type of negative feelings you are left with depends on the quality of the relationship you had and the main reason for break up. It could be a state of shock – such as “How could it have happened to me?” “We could never have thought of living without each other!” “We were not supposed to break up!”
Or there may be guilt – “I never took my partner seriously.” “I am to be blamed because I took our relationship for granted!” “I used to shout to shout at her, and she never complained!”
There can also be an urge to put the blame on the other partner – “My wife took me for granted and never cared for my feelings.” “My husband was secretly dating his secretary or extramarital sex”
And there can be remorse or regret …”Everything used to be so good and even though there were some problems, we could have worked them out. Couldn’t we? We don’t have to separate or divorce if only we….”
Then there can be fearful thoughts, that what would you do in life without your spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend or partner.
But the worst is the feelings of depression and this must be avoided at all costs!
Depression caused by break up can wreck havoc on you, your behaviour and your looks.
Look at you. If you are an emotional victim of break up resulting leading you towards depression you feel totally lost. You wear gloominess; you want to be aloof and you keep asking yourself, “What am I going to do now?” You suddenly have this feeling of wanting to renounce the world and go to jungles. Strangely the sad songs give you some solace and if you look at yourself in the mirror, you may notice messy hair, swollen eyes and a sad face. This is your grieving phase too.
In other words, how to control the damage. Of course, you have to do something about it unless you want to become a hermit, which is not a practical life for most of the people on a sustainable basis. Congratulate yourself for deciding to deal with your breakup blues boldly and wanting to coming to come out of it alive and successfully.
- Accept the situation
- Do not beg for a patch up
- Be kind to yourself
- Delete all reminders about your ex from your life
- Gain Wisdom, get a better understanding of the reasons of break up
- Get Busy
- Become Socially Active
- Find a new partner / girl friend / boy friend
Accept the situation
Yes, all break ups are painful and there are no tow opinions about it. After all you have given the relationship some of your best years and you have in return got great memories of togetherness to cherish. But there is no point about lamenting about what is gone. The sooner you accept the reality the better and faster would be recovery from the depression and other break up related problems.
So don’t deny the reality as you want to deal with the situation. The life has to move on and you can’t allow yourself to get stuck in the journey of life and stagnate. Related Article: When to End a Relationship
At the same time, don’t hold back your tears – as long it helps to flush out the negativity and makes you feel lighter. The idea is sooner you come in terms with the reality the better it is for you and others who love you and care for you.
Do not beg for a patch up
There must have been attempts from both sides to save the relationship and to make it work. One or both of you must have tried to convince the other and pleaded not to end the relationship. Enough acrimony would have taken place too. Sadly it could not be saved. So if all this while various attempts have failed, it is good for you to continue with your live without your ex.
Don’t belittle yourself or mar your personality by being too emotional by pleading or begging of the other person, especially in the presence of others. It will not do you any good. Related article: How to Improve Your Relationship
Delete all reminders about your ex from your life
This point is the ‘To Do’ extension of the previous two points. Remove all the stuff from your house, office and car which connects you with your ex and reminds you of her / him. This will not only make the post break up recovery more difficult but will not let you think clearly ahead. You have to come to the grips with the situation and rather be on top of it. So look around for photographs, gifts, memoirs, letters / love notes, clothes and other personal belongings etc. Dump them away, in case your ex doesn’t want to keep them.
This is not the end of it. You should disconnect your Social Media accounts such as Facebook so that you don’t get any reminder of the presence of your ex. Of course, banning him or her is not a good etiquette and hence not recommended here.
Last but not the least, do not send text or make phone calls to your ex. You may note down her / his phone number and e mail id on a piece of paper and delete it from your phone.
Gain Wisdom, get a better understanding of the reasons of break up
The reasons for break up could be many and more than one such as – incompatibility, infidelity, cheating, caught having an affair with someone else, extramarital affairs. The mistake(s) could be by one or both the partners, of the same type or different mistakes.
It would be worth its while to see everything in the right perspective, learn from the mistakes (doesn’t matter who did it), gain wisdom and move on. If you are good at writing then grab a note book and without any prejudice write down the main issues / important events / behaviours which were responsible for giving birth to such an outcome to the relationship or the marriage. Remember, you have to be neutral. This will help you to gain wisdom, be a better partner next time and go forth.
If and when you have completed your notebook and written the events you’ve suffered, understood the meaning, you’ll reach acceptance. Richer with the valuable wisdom, you will avoid repeating your actions and behaviour that contributed to problems or crisis in your relationship. You’ll be better able to recognize red flags in potential partners when you start dating again. Most importantly, you will have learned that you’re a survivor who can’t be defeated after all.
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Become Socially Active
After an emotionally disturbing or rather turbulent phase of life, it is quite possible that anyone could lose interest in everyday chores like taking proper food, sleeping and shaving, leave aside having fun. You lose the desire to look beautiful or handsome. You might be unwilling to mix with friends or answer your phone calls. You prefer to stay indoors, since you have lost interest in everything.
At this stage, it is very important that you do not listen to your heart. This will be more damaging rather. There is no gain to keep yourself isolated from friends and family. Take necessary steps to participate in family gatherings and social functions. Go out, hang out with friends and chill. You will be surprised that you will begin to feel lighter from inside and the recovery will also be fast.
Find a new Partner / Girl Friend / Boy Friend
After the break-up of a deep relationship, it can be quite scary to be single again. Hence it would be a good idea to find a new partner / girl friend / boyfriend. Ask yourself if you’ll be a better person if you decided to date again? Yes, it might take some time but you’ll like yourself better and have more confidence.
You just need to find someone who’s really right for you!
Don’t worry about the changes in dating etiquette. Nothing much has changed, except for some new concepts like blind dates and the intervention of technology like online dating. So open your laptop, check a few online dating websites, a few clicks and you are done.
The online dating allows people to contact with other persons whom they wouldn’t have not otherwise met, but after the initial connection, the skills required to form an rapport are the same as they have always been.
Towards the end
Undoubtedly a break up or divorce is an end of the relationship / marriage and it is very unfortunate besides being unpleasant and painful. The life after it can be difficult. But you can’t allow yourself to be tortured for the rest of your life. For your own sake and for the sake of those who love you and depend on you, you have to get up, be alright and move on.
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